


live to regret it.

by mufu_saki



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18 Supernatural spoilers, Angst, Angst and Feels, Dean's POV, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Grief/Mourning, M/M, POV, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Slow Burn, Supernatural (TV) Spoilers, i just wanan write how dean feels cause i know my boy is hurting asdafas, i suppose sam is here too but it's very minor, im hurt and in pain, that episode hurt me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:02:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27498409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mufu_saki/pseuds/mufu_saki
Summary: "Dyin' flame, you're free againWho could love, do that to youAll dressed in black, he won't be comin' back.."Consumed by The Empty, soon away from his grasp. It all went way too fast for Dean to even process everything. Reminiscing their first meeting, he slowly loses himself to the sudden realization that Castiel was gone from his embrace.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 10





	live to regret it.

**Author's Note:**

> hi hi! woowww my first fanfic on this account and it's a fucking sad sack of a fanfic ain't it? listen that episode broke me so I had to write at least a POV of Dean (even though I'm still not over it okay erhwhrw)
> 
> I would totally recommend listening to Fool (If you think it's over) by Chris Rea, such as good fucking song agggashs
> 
> alright, hopefully I'm able to get Dean's character right so I'm gonna say sorry right now if he's OOC

It all started with the old barn. Back where it started with that wretched barn filled with angelic symbols, with just him and Bobby. There a grand entrance, thunder roaring at his presence, was his savior. Castiel, the Angel of the Lord, the one who gripped Dean and raised him from perdition. His beige-coated, dark hair, those cold blue eyes, and the shadowy wings.  
  
It started with Hell, and soon out of Hell, with the help of one angel. How could he forget?  
  
Through thick and thin, their bond flourished as time went through its worse. However, he would be lying if he said there weren't any fond memories with him. Dense and naïve as he is, Castiel was amusing and gave meaning to his miserable life. He never felt the way he felt with Castiel before, and maybe he was scared to even define what he felt throughout all those years he spends with him. When it came to expressing one's feelings, Dean wasn't the best in that field. Throughout his whole life, the family was always the top priority, so thinking about himself was rather childish. If it really came through it, it'd be by conveying it through anger. All that pent up rage put into one single punch was all he needed to release all of that shitty feeling, hell even screaming till his lung gave out was another option. That's how he always expressed himself since he wasn't the type to speak with his words. Dean was scared to open himself up and fall into an embrace of comfort. If he ever did open up, he'd lose them over and over because he had that sort of luck. Everyone he truly loved escape from his reach. Sam was all he had, he'd be damn if he didn't say that he was quite fortunate to have him through the end of the world. So out of spite, he'd barricade his inner feelings, and lie. Lie to the beloved ones, and even to himself. Selfish as that may be, it was the only way he'd keep them safe. To hold on to them just a little longer if fate was feeling generous. Wouldn't this be okay to have unspoken words left aside?

  
Nevertheless, this circumstance occurred too quick for him to unfold.  


Other than the world ending, Death was right on their doorstep. Not only was Chuck out for Castiel and Dean, but Billie as well. Couldn't luck be on their side for just this once? 'Shit, is this really the end for us?' Dean froze, feeling helpless. As ironic as it sounds, they failed at cheating Death herself. Like prey, they were cornered against their wills, only a barrier preventing her from entering and smiting the hell out of them. 'Damn it, Dean, think! We can't just die here!' What came next unexpected. Castiel, disrupting the panicking thought process, turned to Dean with an expression he never saw before. A pained expression, yet with a touch of joy. As his mouth opens, the celestial man confessed his deal, his voice shaking at each word he spoke. He gave himself up to the Empty in exchange for his happiness. This confession of his, it all came too quick for Dean to manage. It was like a blur, whether that being the tears welling up, this was just too much on top of it all. This confession of his...  


  
".. Why does this sound like a goodbye?"  


  
Castiel smiled, god that smile. Dean knew that forsaken smile. The sacrificial smile, the smile of many painful goodbyes. "Because it is." With that, he adds on. "I love you."

  
  
Those three words that haunted Dean. The words he can never dare say to anyone. Love was something he was afraid to have or understand, he didn't deserve it. Even when he loved someone, he'd only get them in danger and eventually disappoint them. The barrier he builds was the only form of love he could grant to anyone because he was afraid if he spoke his feelings, they would eventually leave. In this case, Castiel was one of those cases. He loved Cas, and that had been enough for him. Leaving it without telling him. It had been enough because he had known the feeling Cas would never reciprocate his love in return, and that was fine by him. He deserved better because compared to him, Cas was filled with an everlasting light that shined with life, while Dean was the complete opposite. Anger, a liar, cowardly, so why did he love him? From all the times he'd lash out on Cas, how could he continue to love him?  


  
Despite that, Castiel loved him through it all. All of those flawed features made him fall deeper for him. Although broken, he always stood by and put together those broken pieces that fell from Dean's heart. Through the Mark of Cain, turning into a vampire and demon, he still loved him throughout those events. His throat tightens, unable to spill out words.  


  
"Goodbye, Dean."

  


  
With the same hand that marked Dean's shoulder, Castiel gripped him tight and threw him away from him. Dean felt his body hit against the cold wall, his head spinning from the impact as he looked at the angel. The final smile drew from his lips, as the sigil on the door broke and Billie burst into the room. From there, the Empty stretch a black tidal towards them, materializing them into its nothingness. Time was frozen, the silence consuming his surroundings. Dean never had the time to get to his feet, to try to get to Cas, and pull him into his arms. He didn't have the time to finally break that barrier and choke out the same three words he said to him. He loved him, and because of that, he was gone. Dean sat on the floor, his breathing becoming quick, glistening eyes soon losing its vision. This feeling was far worse than anything as if he was already used to being ripped apart and left with a hollow sentiment. He lost Castiel, and he didn't do a damn thing about it, let alone save him. Dean was nothing without Cas. Castiel was like the missing piece he needed to find in order to feel whole. This wasn't those moments where he'd be alive and come back, and then the two would continue their merry lives hunting and saving lives. No, this time he was actually dead, and nothing was going to bring him back.

  


  
Dean was in the pit of despair, he had nothing to hold onto. Nothing for him to lean on. Just the feeling of guilt and regret consuming him whole. "No.. no no no no! God damn it!" The words echoed off the walls, ringing in his ears. Dean felt like he was suffocating, almost on the verge of hyperventilating. Slowly, his hand shakily touched the spot where Castiel threw him.

  


  
That same place where his hand was engraved from the moment he raised him out of hell. That same spot, he could almost feel that mark burning his shoulder. His eyes tightly closed, teeth-gritting together. Castiel did everything for him, he rebelled against the world, against orders, and even against God himself. Even if he wasn't apart of the story, even if he wasn't supposed to fall from heaven and fall in love with Dean. He made it up as the story was being written. However, his story was over.

  


  
Dean was afraid to love, but that fear only rued his heart, only to live with regret till his last living days.

  



End file.
